All That I'm Living For
by Sonny.With.A.Firefly
Summary: On March 14, 2009, two months before Julia's death, Eli's son was born. A little less than a year later, he moves to Toronto for a fresh start. But living on his own and taking care of a one year old proves difficult - that is, until Clare comes along.
1. Chapter 1: Freakshow

**Okay, so this is gonna really, _really _suck because I suck at writing from a guy's POV. I'm just waiting anxiously until I can write it partially from Clare's POV.**

**This takes place in February 2010, almost a year after Julia died.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Degrassi or any of it's characters.**

**Chapter One: Freakshow**

The apartment wasn't much – just a bedroom, a kitchen, a bathroom, and the tiniest of living rooms – but it was enough for me and my son. I still wasn't used to saying "my son". I guess I should be – he was turning a year old next month – but I'd always been such a... loner, for lack of a better word, and having someone who was always there was a little unsettling.

Of course, that doesn't mean I don't love him to death – I wouldn't give him up for anything in the world. He was perfect. He'd inherited his mother's wispy, naturally black hair, and his eyes were bright green, just like mine.

I threw my bags onto the bedroom floor and looked out the window. This was a slightly rural area of Toronto, so there were trees, but the road was still pretty busy. Across the street, I saw a girl with long curly hair and a quite annoyed facial expression. I had to admit she was hot, but I felt guilty. Besides, the muscled, tough-looking guy beside her was probably her boyfriend – not that I couldn't take him.

"Come on, Eli!" my dad called, "Help me with the couch!" I silently thanked a god that I didn't believe in that I had a downstairs apartment. I walked out to the moving truck, and with my dad's help, manipulated the couch until it sat perfectly in my living room, which now seemed significantly smaller.

I took Aezen (my son, if you couldn't figure that out) from my mom's arms and looked him in the eyes. He looked back at me and giggled, and I struggled to appear manly (but failed – he was just too damn adorable).

"Are you sure you're ready for this, Elijah?" That was my mom for you – worrisome, overprotective, and just a bit annoying.

"Yes, Mom. It's not like I can change my mind now anyway." I took the last box from the truck and brought it into my bedroom. "And don't call me Elijah!"

It was the truth. There was no turning back at this point. But why would I want to? I was registered for the nearby high school, things were set up for daycare, and I had the best son in the world. Now all that was left to do was make friends – which isn't exactly easy for someone who drives a hearse and can't leave the house without eyeliner.

**-!-!-!-!-**

I examined the girl two lockers down from me. She was around 5'7" and had short, curly reddish hair and what looked to be blue eyes from what I could see. She wasn't exactly what I'd call hot, but she was cute, I guess.

"Okay, I was flattered at first, but you can stop looking at me now." I was startled – I hadn't even realized she'd been looking at me.

"I'm sorry, you're just so... intriguing, Blue Eyes." I gave her my signature smirk, winked, then headed off to class, lightly brushing my shoulder against hers as I passed her. I could practically feel her eyes following me down the hallway.

I was surprised when she sauntered into my English class and sat herself behind me. Either she was incredibly persistent or I'd completely miscalculated her age. Of course, I didn't really get a good look at her, but I'd assumed she was a sophomore. "You know, you seem pretty innocent for a junior."

She cocked and eyebrow and rolled her eyes. "I'm not a junior, I'm just smart. I'm Clare, by the way, nice of you to introduce yourself. Oh, and that's John, the guy who is actually supposed to be sitting in that seat."

I turned around to see an awkward boy who seemed to be about my age standing there, confused. "Oh, I don't think John minds, do you, John?" I sent him my best _I-will-kill-you-if-you-provoke-me _smile, and he nodded and scampered off to a different seat. "Anyway, I'm Elijah, but if you ever call me that... well, I'm not afraid to hit a girl."

"Well then, _Elijah_, what would you like me to call you?" She shot a smirk that almost rivaled mine (_almost_, but not quite) as the teacher called for the class' attention.

"Call me Eli," I whispered as I turned around to face the front.

"I guess we'll be seeing a lot of each other, Eli. So don't make me regret taking 11th grade English."


	2. Chapter 2: Sigh No More

**Chapter Two**

"Are you following me, Elijah?"

"Obviously." I dropped my bag on the ground and sat down on the bench, taking in my surroundings. "You know, at my old school, we never got to sit outside." Then I noticed a boy sitting next to Clare (her boyfriend?), staring at me curiously. When I looked back, he nodded and sent me a somewhat girly smile.

"I'm Adam." He extended his hand, and I shook it, surprised by how feminine he was. Although, I couldn't really imagine Clare dating anyone particularly manly – besides me, that is.

"Are you two dating?" I dreaded the idea of being a third wheel, but if I turned out to like Clare, it probably wouldn't take long for Adam to take my place.

"No," she quickly interjected, "We're just friends. Neither of us really like people, so..."

"Antisocial, huh? My kind of people." I chuckled ever so slightly at the irony.

Just then, a familiar looking girl walked by us, sneering. "Oh, so the freak has more than one friend?" She was glaring directly at Adam. I recognized her as the girl I'd thought was hot on the first day – but she didn't seem very hot with a glower plastered on her face.

"_He's _a freak?" The words were pouring from my mouth before I stopped to think. "You're the one who can't get over yourself and close your fucking mouth!" I noticed Clare wince at my language, but I didn't really care.

"Wow. You're defending the tranny? Yeah, you're off to a good start here. Good luck!" She walked off, and I noticed Adam freeze up. Before I could question him about the 'tranny' thing, he was out of his seat and on his way to class – at least, that was what he mumbled before running off. I turned to Clare for an explanation, but she just shook her head.

Maybe he _was_? If so, I was a little hurt that they assumed I would care. Oh well... I would get to the bottom of this. In the meantime, I just enjoyed my lunch alone with Clare.

**-!-!-!-!-**

**Clare POV**

I tried not to laugh as Eli walked over to me and Adam. It wasn't that I had a problem with him, it was just amusing to see a junior who only hung out with sophomores. "Are you following me, Elijah?" I asked him with the flirtiest smile I could muster up.

"Obviously." I was a little taken aback by his blunt, though probably sarcastic, answer, but I continued to examine him. "You know, at my old school, we never got to sit outside."

He looked around for a bit, then seemed to notice Adam, who was obviously confused. "I'm Adam." They shook hands, and I couldn't help but notice the difference in their handshakes – Eli's strong, Adam's just a touch feminine.

"Are you two dating?" He didn't seem to like the thought, but he seemed apathetic. Adam's eyes widened a tiny bit, and I shook my head.

"No, we're just friends," I exaggerated the words – I certainly didn't want Eli thinking there was anything between Adam and I. Yeah, I'd only known him for a day, but him thinking I have a boyfriend would ruin my chances if I ever decided to like him. "Neither of us really like people, so..."

"Antisocial, huh? My kind of people." I tried not to smile too much at that – it was meant at a joke, and I was getting way ahead of myself anyway. I was about to make a witty remark when of all people, Bianca passed by.

"Oh, so the freak has more than one friend?" I wanted to slap her, to scream at her, to come up with something that would just shut her up – but Eli did that for me.

"_He's _a freak?" My mouth dropped open, and I waited for him to continue. "You're the one who can't get over yourself and close your fucking mouth!" I cringed, but decided I could see past the language considering what he was doing for Adam.

"Wow. You're defending the tranny? Yeah, you're off to a good start here. Good luck!" As she walked away, so did Adam, and while I knew Eli was desperate for answers, I just shook my head. Luckily, he dropped it, and I changed the subject.

**-!-!-!-!-**

**Eli POV**

"So, why did you move to Toronto?" I'd called Clare 'because 'I forgot what the English homework was', and we'd moved on to other topics.

"Oh, you know... well, I lived in Montreal, which was great and all, but since I suck at French... I figured I would move here." I bit my lip, hoping she wouldn't notice the hesitation.

"Wait. Is it... just you? You live alone?" She sounded like she was afraid I was going to invite her to my house and rape her, and I suppressed a laugh.

"Uh, well... I'm 16, I guess I just wanted to be away from my parents, and I have a job and a pretty cheap apartment, so why not?" I tried to avoid outright lying, but I knew it would keep getting harder. She'd have to find out sometime...

As if on cue, Aezen started crying. Shit.

"Is that a _baby_?" Once again, she sounded almost scared, as if this baby were the result of my last rape...

"Uh, no...? Hold on, call waiting." I pressed flash, put the phone down, and picked Aezen up from his crib. "Really, Aez? Bad timing much?" His crying quieted, and I picked up the phone with the hand that wasn't holding him.

"Hey. Sorry about that." She sighed, but said it was okay.

"So what was with the baby crying? I know what I heard, so don't tell me it wasn't a baby." Damn it. Looked like I wasn't getting out of that one.

"Oh, yeah. Uh... that was the TV." I guess just out of spite, Aezen giggled, practically right into the phone.

"Did you... did you just giggle?" She sounded incredulous, and I bowed my head in shame as I realized what I had to say.

"Yes. I'm ashamed to say it, but yes I did." I heard her holding back her own giggle, and glared even though she couldn't see it.

"Well, I gotta go, Elijah." She stopped to laugh at my growl. "Take good care of your baby," she added mockingly.

"Will do. Bye."

Well, fuck. That was close.


	3. Chapter 3: Story of a Boy

**So, if anything isn't otherwise labelled, it's Eli's POV. This chapter is named after a song by Between the Trees.**

**Chapter Three: Story of a Boy**

"Hey, tranny." Adam looked up from his comics with fear tinging his eyes, but his expression changed to simply awkward as he realized it was me.

"So, I guess Clare told you, huh?" He looked own and slouched his shoulders, and I offered a hand to help him up, which he took hesitantly.

"No, but you just confirmed my suspicions." He mouthed what appeared to be 'fuck' and turned to his locker. "You know I don't care, right? I mean, if you're a guy, you're a guy, who cares if you have a vagina?" He glared at me, but sighed.

"Thanks. I guess I'm just... kind of used to people hating me for it. After I got thrown through a window I pretty much gave up on trying to be accepted." We began to walk slowly towards my locker.

"Yeah. People are... pretty stupid. But, I know how it feels to... have a secret. So I don't really judge people for anything anymore." I put my hands in my pockets, knowing what he would ask next.

"You... know how it feels?" He turned his head to the side, giving me a once-over, but tried not to sound too interested.

"Yep. That's kind of the reason I came to Toronto." There was a short silence, and he just stared at me with an eyebrow raised. "I... well, I have a son," I blurted out. He stopped suddenly, his eyes widening.

"Wow. Uh."

"Yeah. The... the mother died, and I just... needed to get away. So I moved here. I just... I'm glad my parents support me. I don't know what I'd do otherwise."

"I... don't really know what to say." He was blinking a little too much, andhis head was tucked almost to his chest.

"Yeah, um, don't tell Clare, okay?" I waved awkwardly and rushed the rest of the way to my locker.

_Shit_.

**-!-!-!-!-**

"I am _never _going to get this assignment done." Clare groaned and stared down in frustration at what she had written – a little less than half of a page. "I hate writer's block."

"Well, good luck." I smirked, looking at my own two and a half pages.

"I hate you. But we should meet up this weekend to work on it... since we're English buddies and all." The last part was tacked on as an afterthought.

"Sounds good," I replied, resting an elbow on her desk, "The Dots, tomorrow at 3?"

"First of all," she said, leaning in close enough that I could feel her breath, "It's the Dot. Singular. And actually... I was thinking maybe your house? We could invite Adam, have a little housewarming get-together?"

I tried to hide the panic that was rising through me quickly, and shook my head, trying to form words. "Uh – no, no, that's not necessary. I – housewarming? Really?"

"Yes, really." She narrowed her eyes and furrowed her eyebrows, leaning away from me. "Why is that such a big deal? Are you hiding something?"

"Well... you caught me. The truth is, my house is secretly full of stuffed animals and I didn't want anyone to see." It wasn't _technically _a lie – I did have a lot of stuffed animals for Aezen.

"Oh. Great. So now that I know, everything's fine?" She smiled innocently and folded her hands, placing her head on them.

"Uh... yeah. Fine." _What the fuck am I gonna do?_

**-!-!-!-!-**

"You could just tell her, dude." We had each just ordered milkshakes at The Dot (singular) and were now discussing my... predicament at an isolated booth.

"She'd freak!" I exclaimed a little to loudly, "I don't want her to hate me." I had to admit, I was starting to like her. _Starting_.

"She won't hate you. And she's gonna find out eventually."As I began to protest, he cut me off. "Just get it over with. Who knows? Maybe she'll think your honesty is hot. Chicks like honesty, right?"

I pondered this for a moment, slowly replying, "Right..." and smiling a little.

"You totally like her." He was smirking, leaning an elbow on the table and kicking his legs up on the seat.

"Like her? I've known her for a week. I barely know anything about her except that she's cute as hell." I couldn't help but blush a little as I realized that I'd actually said the last part.

"You sure you want me to come this weekend? Don't want to keep you from scoring." I punched his shoulder lightly, and he rolled his eyes. "What? Afraid you won't be so smooth when you're alone with her?"

"Being alone with her has nothing to do with anything. I _don't _like her!" He gave me a skeptical look, and I crossed my arms grumpily.

"Well, we'll see if you can still say that after tomorrow."

**-!-!-!-!-**

**Clare POV**

"Thanks for coming over, Adam." I buttoned up my shirt, spacing out into the mirror.

"No problem. I know girls like to look their best for the guy they like." I turned to face him, my mouth dropping open, and gasped a little.

"I do _not _like Eli!" I picked up a pillow from my bed and threw it at him, glowering.

"Ah, but how did you know I was talking about Eli? I could've been talking about myself, but of course your mind went straight to him..." I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself, but ended up just hitting him with a pillow again. He quickly retaliated with his own pillow, but our fight was cut short by my cellphone ringing, and I answered, breathless. Seeing it was Eli, I put it on speaker.

"Hey, I just wanted to make sure you guys are on your way."

"Ha. He just wants to hear your voice," Adam muttered, and I struck him (again) with the pillow that was dangling from my free hand.

"Shut up!" Eli and I snapped simultaneously, then chuckled awkwardly.

"So, I guess that's a no?" He asked, obviously trying to change the subject, and I narrowed my eyes suspiciously.

"No, sorry, we kind of... lost track of time." Adam threw his pillow at me to emphasize my point, and I suppressed a giggle. "Sorry, we'll be there soon."

**This isn't anything spectacular, it's pretty much a filler. And I know it seems like this is moving pretty fast, but I'm planning on this story only being about 5 or 6 chapters, then having a sequel that's longer.**


	4. Chapter 4: All At Once

**This chapter is named after a song by The Fray, which I love.**

**Chapter Four: All At Once**

"Uh... that's a baby." Her eyes weren't widened, her mouth wasn't dropped open, her breathing wasn't uneven – her face was just _blank_. I didn't know whether it was reassuring or unnerving. _Tell her_, Adam mouthed from behind Clare. _Lie_, my brain shouted at me from somewhere deep inside me.

"Yeah. Uh, I'm babysitting... for my cousin." Cousin. Good. That would explain the resemblance – the eyes.

"I guess you guys get your eyes from your grandparents?" Her eyes were slightly narrowed now, and her arms had snaked their way across her chest.

"Yup. Sure do," I said with my voice an octave higher than usual, nodding stiffly.

"You're lying." It was a statement, barked in a hushed but secure monotone. "Wanna try again?"

"Um, this is my son," I croaked, keeping my head on my feet, which were shuffling against each other. "Aezen."

"You have a _son_?" She hissed, emotion finally reaching her expression, "So is _this _why you moved to Toronto?" Her arms flailed in the general direction of Aezen, and while her gaze stayed steady on mine, her eyes betrayed the thoughts racing through her head.

"Yes, and yes. And I'm _proud_." We were face to face now, not speaking with our words, but screaming with our eyes.

"Um, I'm just gonna... leave you two to sort this out," Adam muttered while taking a step back, breaking our concentration.

"Did you know?" Clare growled, snapping around to face him. "This entire time?"

"I've only known for a couple days, Clare," he answered, putting his hands up by his face. "And it wasn't really my secret to tell." He had slowly staggered to the door, and he turned the doorknob now, waving a little as he walked out and left the two of us alone.

"How can you proud of this?" Clare cried, her voice still exasperated but not quite as flustered, "You're 17 and have a son who's what, a year old now? I can't believe people even have sex at that age! That's disgusting! Oh my gosh, what's _wrong _with you?"

"It's not like I planned this, Clare!" I argued, and threw one hand against the doorway she'd backed me up to, "But he's my _son_ and I couldn't abandon him, and then Julia died and now he's all I have left of her and I'm the only one left to take care of him!" Memories were flooding back now, blurring my vision and threatening to form tears behind my eyes.

Clare quieted, one hand slowly floating up to rest lightly on her mouth. "Julia..." She seemed to be having trouble forming words. "The mother?" she whispered almost silently, and I nodded, still trying to pull myself out of my head. "I'm sorry, Eli."

"I wanted her to get an abortion," I began, "But she wouldn't listen to me. She never listened to me – I think that's why I fell for her in the first place. She never eliminated the obstacles, never went around them – she always over them or through them. And this wasn't any different.

"I left her for two weeks. It was stupid, and childish... but it didn't take long for me to realize I just needed to man up and face what I'd created. She didn't really want to take me back at first... but she knew she couldn't do it alone." I stopped to look at Clare for a minute, who was staring intently and apologetically.

"We did everything right. He was only born two days early, he was healthy, the perfect weight. And somehow, we managed. We had enough money and patience and time, there was a daycare right down the street from her house." I cut off, placing my hands over my face and trying to find the courage to say the next words.

"This is where there's a twist, isn't it?" Clare breathed. I had subconsciously paced while I talked, and we were side by side now. I turned to face her.

"Two months after he was born, we got in a fight. I don't even remember what it was about, it was stupid – we'd both just been really stressed. She ran off on her bike and got hit by a car." My voice broke on every other word, and small and tearless sobs shook through my body.

She seemed hesitant to speak, and she slowly raised a hand to place it on my shoulder. "I... I don't really know what to say."

"You don't have to say anything," I whispered, and I finally broke down, turning away from her as tears started sliding down my face. "Shit."

"Eli, it's okay. It's not like you have to be ashamed of crying." She lightly pulled me back around, and I stared into her eyes although I knew fresh tears were glimmering on my cheeks.

"I just – I feel like I have no right to cry. There are people much worse off." My tears were drying now, leaving damp trails. I realized that talking actually worked – just like people always said, who woulda thought? - and soon I was pouting my heart out.

"I moved to Toronto for a fresh start, and I've already broken into tears. I always thought I was so strong, but I'm not. I never have been. It's all a lie. It's all a fucking _lie_!" Clare jumped two steps back as I threw a glass to the opposite wall and sunk to the ground. "I'm sick of being weak."

"Weak?" she asked incredulously, kneeling next to me, "You're raising a one year old all alone, in a huge city where you don't know anyone. You're functioning normally even after the girl you love died. You call that weak? Because to me, that's amazing." Her eyes were like two pools of perfectly clear water – as cliché as that is – and suddenly, they _were _two pools of water. It took me a while to realize that it was because _real _water was swimming in front of my own eyes, forcing its way through and falling again.

She held me as I cried.

**This chapter is a bit short, but I really like it, and hopefully you do too! Review please. :) The next chapter will be the epilogue, and if you guys want I might write a sequel. So if you want me to, just tell me! :D**


	5. Epilogue: Beautiful Scar

**Okay guys, this is the epilogue. It's named after a song by Trapt. Enjoy :) Oh, and I don't know the color of Julia's eyes so I assumed they were brown.**

**Epilogue: Beautiful Scar**

Clare walked slowly through the silent apartment, her footsteps echoing. I watched her with eyes that were still red, but alert enough to track her movements. We hadn't said a word since I'd stopped crying, and now she was wandering aimlessly around. She stopped at a picture frame that was cracked, held together with glue that spilled through onto the front. "Is this Julia?" she asked quietly, turning it to show me a photograph of a girl with creamy skin, long black hair, and chocolate brown eyes.

"Yes," I replied, my voice quivering. She took a few more seconds to study the picture, her eyes lingering as she dragged them up to look at me.

"She's beautiful." The present tense wasn't unnoticed, but I ignored it. She placed the picture down and walked slowly over to Aezen, who was playing happily with a block. "Aezen looks almost exactly like her." She looked between me and my son a couple times. "But he has your eyes. He definitely has your eyes." She walked over to me, her strides more certain this time, and hugged me. I was surprised, but relaxed into her arms and wrapped my arms around her.

"You know, it's been a while since I felt this way." I started slowly rocking us in a small side to side motion and couldn't help but smile.

"What way?" I could list a million things. _Like I could actually fall for a girl. Like maybe my son _could _have a mother someday._

"Like everything will be okay eventually." We pulled away simultaneously, but our fingers stayed intertwined. "Like there's actually some hope for my son and I in this fucked up world."

"Of course everything will be okay. Wanna know why?" Our lips were inches apart now, but she stayed steady, not moving a centimeter.

"Why?" I complied, leaning closer and smiling as she shivered at the feel of my breath.

"Because you're strong enough. And because you have me to help you," she added smugly, and I finally leaned in and kissed her. I almost expected her to recoil, to grimace under my lips, but she only tightened her hold around my neck. When we broke apart after what seemed like minutes but was probably seconds, I laughed enthusiastically and twirled her in a circle, to which she cried out but giggled.

"And what would I do without you?" I asked, kissing her again.

"Hopefully we won't have to find out for a while."

**THE END**

**So what do you think? It's supershort, but it's an epilogue, so deal with it.**

**Questions:**

**Did you like the chapter?**

**Did you like the story?**

**Sequel or no sequel?**

**If there is a sequel, it will be farther in the future, with the main POVs being Clare and Aezen. So tell me what you think! Review please :)**


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